Plotting a divorce in secret? Read on…

by | 15 Jun 2020

One question I’ve heard over and over during the past three months is, ‘what are you looking forward to once lockdown’s over?’ 

For some, it’s moving forward with separation and divorce. 

Maybe you’re one of the people who’s waiting for a time when you can proceed with a divorce application or find a new home. 

I know there are many, many people planning a divorce in secret – striving to find a time to call a friend or family member or solicitor to discuss next steps.

Secrecy may be essential if you’re afraid of how your spouse might react, or you’re unclear what the divorce process entails. It’s normal to feel nervous about telling your partner.

The problem with this is that it starts to pit you against your STBX (that’s ‘soon-to-be-ex’) and sows the seeds of acrimony and tension. 

Whether or not your ex wants the divorce, it has to be a joint process. Ignoring this can lead to problems further down the line. This can be really difficult to accept if you’re already at the end of your tether, but it’s an important step if you don’t want the next couple of years dominated by divorce.

Divorce is a big upheaval and I am a firm believer that it can be a really positive step. It is of course sad when a marriage ends, but the LAST thing you need is an acrimonious divorce. And there are things you can do to help ease the process.

If you want to change direction; to take control and have a positive divorce, it’s not too late. There are practical steps you can take to lower the emotional temperature, and things you can do to lessen your own stress and tension.  Communication skills really come into their own when conflict could be on the horizon.

I teach a method called Emotional Cooperation which explains principles of effective communication skills for divorcing parents. Emotional Cooperation teaches you some things you MUST avoid in communication with your children’s other parent, and gives you practical ways to improve conversations and e mail exchanges.

One day, divorce will be behind you but you will still need to discuss things with your ex, and communication skills will stand you in good stead.

So, if you’re staying silent about your desire to divorce and would like some practical help planning a difficult conversation so you can stop planning in secret, please do consider booking a call to explore how we can work together. 

Also, if you’re staying quiet because you’re in an abusive relationship, remember that the Women’s Aid website and the National Centre for Domestic Violence (NCDV) contain further information. 




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